My son and I were watching "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" on Cartoon Network this afternoon. The show is about a place where imaginary friends stay so they won't be forgotten when the kids who imagine them grow up. It's an entertaining yet weird show. During a commercial break my son turns to me and ask, "Mom, did you ever have an imaginary friend when you were little?" I was a little shocked by the question. Then I started to chuckle. Yes, of course I had an imaginary friend. His name was Jordie. My son laughed at me and said, what kind of name is Jordie. Although, I hadn't thought about him in years, memories of Jordie begin to flood my memory. I don't remember where the name came from or when he became a part of my imagination. But, I clearly remembered spending long hours playing and talking with Jordie. We would drink tea, play house and even argue. But mostly, me and ole Jordie talked and talked. It was funny how much I remembered. Only thing is, I couldn't quite remember at what point he stopped being a part of my imagination. So, when the show went off, I called my mom to ask her if she remembered. She told me that when I was about 2 years old, she went into the bathroom to find the floor wet and the entire roll of toilet paper unraveled and stuffed into the toilet. She called me in and asked me about it. I told her Jordie did it. She tore my butt up. That was the last time she ever heard anything else about Jordie.
From my understanding, many children have imaginary friends for different reasons. I never really talked about mines because I've never come across any other adult who has remembered or admitted to having a childhood pretend friend. At any rate, in hindsight, I think Jordie provided me with companionship. He also helped me to articulate my thoughts, ideas, confront my fears and expand my language skills. Who knows maybe old Jordie is still around...serving as my conscience?
Everything came to a head last week. I was exhausted. School, work, being mommy and trying to remain the 'good girl' took its toll on me. I had to take a break. There were no other options. It all came down to my sanity. I was channel surfing last Wednesday evening and it all hit me. I was bored as hell. All work and no play makes NjDivaGirl a dull bore. I needed some type of balance. No, I needed some kind of freakiness in my life. There was no need for me to try to be someone I wasn't anymore. Why was I trying to play the role of this nice little girl waiting patiently for something to jump off? That's never been my style. Never ever ever. I've always been a go getter. I guess I just wanted to try something different. Well, I'll be the first to admit it - it did not work. Waiting for Mr. Right? Who is that? That brotha don't exist. All the while, I had been denying myself the joys of pure pleasure. So I set out for some excitement. Something wild. Something I just couldn't resist. So, I did it. I did one of the most whorish thing I could do. I had a threesome. I called a female friend and a male friend. I invited them over for drinks. I told them what was up in advance. They knew they were invited to solely please me. It is what they wanted. But most importantly it is what I wanted. I seduced them. Both had been trying to get at me for awhile anyway. But, I had been resisting. I think that made them want me even more. I fed them my 'cake', and they ate it hungrily too! They wanted seconds. How could I say no? That's right. It was my time to run the show like I do so well. My naturally aggressive nature came out. They would do anything I asked. Noooo, I couldn't just go for one. I had to go for two. I had to send my 9 months of celibacy out with a big bang! (Besides, all of my 'toys' were broke LOL ). I indulged in the best of both worlds and I don't even feel fuqed up about it. I will spare the details. I'll just say it was HOT!
I guess the summer being over really caught up to me. I hadn't realized how much I had slacked off with everything. I was a total beach bum for most of the summer and then it hit me. I had no choice but to wake my ass up and get back to work. Anyway, at work, these chicks are at it again with arguing back and forth. I have totally removed myself from the situation entirely. I don't want to hear them complain about each other anymore, and I told them so.
I figured it out last year, I can not be everybody's therapist. It was starting to get to me. I have always been the one who appeared to have it all together - the strong one. I was always the one everybody came to for advise or used as a shoulder to cry on. It became too much. You know how it is when someone else's drama becomes yours? You know the feeling? You are having a wonderful day, the phone rings. They tell you their sob story. You hang up and now your day is all fuqed up. All of their negative energy has now been projected on you. It felt like I was going to have a total melt down. If I was going to be depressed and stressed, geez at least it could be my own drama. So, last year I was like fuq it, I'm not listening to it. Sorry folks, but the shoulder you all love to cry on has left the building. From then on I made up my mind, I was only going to dealing with my own drama. Man oh man, the friends just started dropping off the face of the earth. In total there are like 4 people who I don't even associate with anymore. Hey, I'm fine with it. Those are what you call fair weather friends. They like to lean on you for emotional support and then when your chips are down, guess what? They are no where to be found. I have had some very strange people come into my life. Weirdoes to say the least.
This one girl, she was so angry all the time. Every time I talked to her she was cussing somebody out for something. So anyway, we were suppose to meet some of our other friends over in NYC. She offered to drive. Mind you, I was a bit reluctant to go in the first place, but she begged me. We get all the way there, pay $20 to get in the joint. We see our other friends. The music is jumping. I'm sipping a rum and coke. I'm in the middle of the dance floor getting my groove on with this 6 foot plus cutie. We weren't even there for fifteen minutes before she's tapping me on the shoulder saying she's ready to bounce. I'm like what? Are you nuts? Yes, she was nuts. I tried to figure out what was wrong. All she kept saying was nothing...then everything. The entire ride back home, she's cussing out the traffic and driving like a maniac. I'm just sitting there in the passenger seat clinching my seatbelt and praying that I make it home safely. I made it home and vowed to cut that fool loose immediately and I did.
This other friend....errr ummm associate, there were signs from the beginning. Six years prior to meeting her she lost twins - due to a birth defect. When I met her she was a single professional woman in her mid 30's but she wanted to have a baby really bad. Then finally she found out that she was pregnant. She was ecstatic. I was kinda happy for her too. Then the drama started. She started referring to the guy who had supposedly impregnated her as the sperm donor because he claimed that the baby wasn't his. Typical Maury Povich. Four months into the pregnancy a new baby's daddy emerged. Yep, Sperm Donor #2 moved in. They planned to marry, that is up until she awoke one night to find him smoking crack in the bathroom. The baby was born. A year later, out of the blue Sperm Donor #3 appears. I couldn't believe it! This dude played daddy to the hilt. It was amazing. Ok, so finally maybe she had found the real baby's daddy and would live happily ever after. But nope, Sperm Donor #3 hadn't donated the sperm after all, he was too busy donating it to some guy named "Steve". Unbelievable. Two more years pass and within that time period she must have been pregnant 10 times and miscarried 20. UnFugginBelievable! How many men had she slept with unprotected? Was she just delusional after having miscarried nearly ten years earlier? My breaking point with her was when she asked me to meet her for lunch. When I got there she shows up with some flamboyant dude wearing a fish net muscle shirt --both nipples pierced. No lie! She introduced him as her fiance and the father of her unborn twin sons. She even had her daughter calling this dude daddy. WTF?
Anyway, I guess I told those experiences because out of all the people I've ever met in my life, I still have two very good friends who I have known for just about all of my life. One I met when I was 6 years old and the other I met when I was 8. Yes, throughout the years, we've had our emotional highs and lows. But it wasn't crazy highs and lows. It wasn't one sided. And to me, that is what friendship is all about - a give and take. I've learned when to listen and when to remove myself.
Just like everybody else, for the past few days, I have been glued to the TV and looking at online photos and commentary about the horrors of Hurricane Katrina. I don't have family there in New Orleans, but I have been fortunate enough to visit on several occasions. I did not see the back roads of the common folk. I saw the glitz and glam of Bourbon Street. Each time I went I cruised the Mississippi River, stayed at the Hyatt, leisurely strolled down Bourbon and Canal Streets. I ate at the World's Famous Mothers, had my picture stretched by an Asian sidewalk artist, I drank Hurricane's in huge cups and then made a fool of myself performing karaoke on the stage of the Cat's Meow! Those were good memories.
The picture above of the little boy could be my son. He looks just like they could be twins, it's scary. If I didn't know better, I would think it was him. This photo really touched my heart. As I sit in the comforts of my own home, my heart is heavy. How? Why? While the good memories will always be there, the images of despair are also forever etched in my mind. This should be a wake up call to everyone. No one is above disaster and catastrophe. Never think that you are not far away from the same despair. It can happen anywhere...at anytime.
Peace to the people in LA, MS, AL and FL, words can't express my sadness!
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