I am an avid game player. Specifically, I am a big fan of RPGs (Role Playing Games). Imagine being the character in your favorite story. That is the concept behind RPGs. You take on the role of the character. An RPG revolves around a mission and that mission revolves around a story. RPGs have a huge cult-like following.
Recently there has been a lot of talk in the news about the game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You can eat, run, work out, kill people, steal cars, date girlfriends, pick up prostitutes, and even fly various aircrafts. This game has always been controversial because of its adult and violent content. However, it recently came to light, that there is a hack which unlocks hidden sex scenes. Many are up in arms about this. The hack is initiated by offering hot coffee, which allows the character to travel around the state to different girlfriends. The sex scenes (WARNING!!! graphic adult content) can be controlled by the player.
But what I enjoy the most about gaming is the concept of game design. The Sims 2 is an RPG that offers design and game play. You can direct your Sims over a lifetime and mix their genes from one generation to the next. You set your Sims' goals in life; popularity, fortune, family, romance or knowledge. There is a build mode, where you can build large mansions with beautiful landscapes, shacks, or even apartment buildings. There is also an in-game camera, which is ingenious. Many Sims fans have produced very creative stories and videos with this feature. My favorite fan created video is the R. Kelly Trapped In The Closet saga:
Trapped In The Closet Part 1
Trapped In The Closet Part 2
Trapped In The Closet Part 3
Trapped In The Closet Part 4
Regardless of the features, storylines or sex scenes, RPGs are addictive. *SMILEZ*
As a child, my world was filled with drama, sadness and despair. The backdrop to my life involved daily doses of stolen car chases, drug dealing, shootings, poverty and all the other negatives associated with life in the ghetto. Children mimic the behavior of those in their environment. It is not only the parent's responsibility to protect children, but it is the communities' responsibility to set good examples.
Constant negativity can have a lasting effect on children. As a result many children become statistics and never make it to adulthood. I have lost countless friends to the streets. I've witnessed crackheads rob, kill and sell their bodies just to get their daily fix. I have observed young girls, even as young as 11 have babies. I saw fat young healthy women dwindle away to nothing and then die from contacting HIV. Nothing surprises me, I have seen it all.
I often wondered if I would become one of those statistics. I became destructive - there was so much anger inside of me. I struck out at people. I became the "B" word - a bully. I'd kick somebody's butt just for looking. Fortunately, my 8th grade teacher saw my potential and managed to penetrate my hard exterior. She took a liking to me, but she used tough love. After numerous suspensions, I returned to school only to get into yet another fight. She scolded me. She literally told me I wasn't "worth shit" and that I was going to end up with my "pretty little face all cut up", in jail or even worst the "morgue". She told me I was as dumb as a "brass ass monkey" among other things. I hated her. Who was this heffa to call me names? The brass ass monkey thing is what really did it for me. I was going to slash her tires later on that afternoon, that would teach her a lesson. But instead, I went home and secretly cried about it. The next day, she challenged me. She said, "Well if you ain't dumb then I dare you to read this book". It was the Autobiography of Malcolm X. Was this bitch crazy? The book was over 400 pages long. How did she expect me to read all of that? Deep down instead I knew I wasn't dumb, plus something had to give. What would it hurt if I read that dumb ole book? I'd have her off my back and I could get back to kicking ass.
That book changed my life! Instead of hanging in the streets, I took up hanging at the library, museums and even college lobbies. I learned about other walks of life and that there was something beyond the negatives I saw. I escaped ghetto craziness by burying my head in the books. Slowly, I started to take accountability for my actions. I no longer used my fist to solve problems. I started to fight for causes by becoming deeply involved with community events. Fortunately for me, my teacher cared enough and was willing to take note of my behavior. She didn't sit idly, she took action...and "by any means necessary." This allowed me to see the negativity for what it was worth. I refused to get caught up in drugs, sexual promiscuity and other criminal behavior.
We need more role models like this. Grant it, as parents, we can not protect our children from every single atrocity. In fact, we want them to learn about both the good and the bad. This can not be done alone, society is just as responsible. Remember, children mimic what they see and hear. They need good role models to learn from. Will you be that role model or will our children become statistics?
Newark special police officer Dwayne Reeves used to tell his partners on patrol in the city's housing projects and public schools that it wasn't hard to deal with people. Just listen to them. And talk to them like you care. Yet, after breaking up a fight outside Weequahic High School in Newark, NJ last week, he confronted Omar Tindell aka Deshaun Tutt (or who ever he really is) , a reputed gang member who'd come to the defense of his sister. After a brief struggle, Tindell, 24, pulled a gun and shot Reeves, 35, in the head. (See linked article:
Officer wounded in shooting outside Newark school dies).Today, Officer Reeves was laid to rest.
What in the hell is this world coming to? Gang members are taking over our inner cities. Who's in charge? When will it stop? When will parents teach their children the true value of life? When will people learn to talk things over without using guns? Why did the system keep releasing this fool? It wasn't bad enough that he had one homocide, was selling drugs and had weapon offenses. It is a system that let this scum bag, who although only 24 had been arrested and released 10 times before he ultimately shot and killed Reeves. Do the gang bangers have the police on lock?
Officer Reeves was a special police officer trained by the Newark Police Department and had full police powers, but was employed by the school district.
The fact that the schools even needed gun carrying police really says something about the quality of life in general. So again I ask, who is in charge?
SCUM BAG PUBLIC ENEMY #1
R.I.P. Officer Dwayne Reeves
I went to do my weekly laundry this afternoon. There was this guy in the laundromat watching my every move. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Being my normal suspicious self, I kept my eyes on him too. Soon enough, he worked his way over to me and asked the question I get asked a lot by strangers. "Why do you look so serious", he asked. I replied, "Because I am a serious person". There was more small talk here and there and surprisingly, he didn't say anything stupid -- not even one thing to get on my nerves or turn me off. This is strange for me because by choice, I am not the approachable type. And if some dude is interested, I've been known to shoot him down in seconds. I'm very picky. I like it that way too, it allots me total control.
But eventually, I found out he has kids and that he's two years older than me. I swear he looked every bit of 26 but he was 36 years old. He was kind of handsome - well more so cute because of his baby face. We also went to the same high school and knew a lot of the same people. How did I miss that face while I was in high school? Anyway, we talked for a long time and then I noticed my dryers stopped and I needed to start folding. I kindly said, "It was nice chatting with you". Then I proceeded to walk towards my dryers.
I thought our conversation was done. But when I turned to start folding, there he was grinning with those perfectly straight white teeth only inches away from me. He was in "my space" and I didn't even mind. He kept right on talking and flashing those pearly whites. I can't even tell you what he was talking about at this point because I was so mesmerized by his smile. I thought I'd write about this as no one has even came close to catching my attention like that in what seems like ions. We exchanged digits and we'll be talking more in the future.
Today, I did a lot of reflecting. I do that from time to time. I sit back and reflect on my entire life and say, "Ok, so what have I accomplished so far and what do I need to do to get where I need to be?" It's funny how life is so fickle. In your teens you think you know everything. You hit your 20's and now you're grown, you can drink and party. Mid-20's you go through this phase of trying to find yourself because at this point you are not who you thought you were. You emerge on 30 and low and behold -- the things you thought you knew all went down the drain because now you are really grown and there is no room for mistakes. At 34 there is much more wisdom than a 16 year old, more responsibility than at 23 and way more confidence than at 26. This is where I am and I like it a lot.
So, I have these two co-workers who can not stand each other. One is from the Caribbean and the other is from the mid-west. They are always bitching and moaning about each other to me. Mind you, I am the senior person and I've pretty much told them that they are there to do a job. They don't need to be best buds but just at least get along enough to work pleasantly together. Anyway, two weeks ago, while I was on vacation, the drama escalated. The big boss even noticed and decided to call a meeting to squash it.
The meeting really got heated. They are both in their very late 20's. I couldn't believe how deep their hatred for each other went. One accused the other of trying to sabotage her while the other one was complaining that the other chick didn't like her. I couldn't believe that this high school, middle school nonsense got this far. Everything was supposedly squashed. But I noticed that they were still giving each other evil looks and not directly talking to each other.
But, what makes this story even crazier is that this morning, out of no where an envelope blows out of a box located in a storage cabinet, it was crazy, there was no reason for it to just blow out like that. It blew in the air for a few seconds and then just falls to the floor. There's no breezes...nothing...it was crazy. Twenty minutes later, the jacket of the mid-west girl falls off the coat rack. It's strange how it fell; I saw it with my own eyes. It was hanging on the hook but it fell on the opposite side of the rack and was laying there all spread out. Then a little while ago, a metal globe decides to roll off the file cabinet and onto the floor. The mid west chick looked at me and said "Yo, did you see that"? So, "I'm like, yeah". Then we start looking waiting for something else strange to happen. Then she says to me, "Yo, I think ole girl done put some voodoo on me".
I told her that voodoo don't really work unless you believe in it. I don't know too much about it. But the things I saw this morning were straight up weird! She got me wondering now.
But anyway, on the drive to work this morning, I started thinking about how stressed out I have been lately. I started to wonder if my stress levels have anything to do with not getting any. Yes, I've been celibate for a total of 7 months. No nookie for me so far in 2005. I made my self a promise at the end of December to do this. Not that there is a time limit on it, but I'm just not going to do it until I find someone who is worthy of my time, body and mind.
Even though I've been single for a good amount of time, I had been sexually active. For the past couple of years, I regularly saw two guys. One I really liked, he was handsome, funny, ambitious. But I don't like someone up in my face all the time like that. I like my space. We can chill, go out, stay in, but then you can go home. The other guy was married. Not that I like to deal with married men. I most certainly don't. And I didn't intentionally set out to do it. It was just convenient for me at the time. I like my independence. But, I had to squash that real quick as I know that the whole relationship was dead wrong. Oh yeah and then I did some dabbling with a few women. I figured it wouldn't hurt. I needed to fully explore my sexuality. But at some point I realized that I didn't mind getting licked...it was the part about me licking someone else that irked me. So I guess that was so much for me being bi-sexual.
Ok so getting back to my stress level, even though I promised myself and it hasn't bothered me much. I fact, I have even noticed that I am able to focus on other important things such as family, work and school. I think I am in serious need to break this promise. I figure out of sight out of mind, which has pretty much worked. But I don't know now...Iid hate to break my promise.
Ok this morning was a kicker. No matter what I do, drama always tries to rear its ugly head. Take this morning for instance, a million and one things, which I don't care to go into detail about popped up. The 'theatrical events', as I like to call them, were not my own. But they were in fact crisis brought on by other people.
Don't you just hate it when others try to drag in you into their mess? I can't stand it. It's not like I don't have enough of my own business to take care off. Of course, the drama was caused by my sister who I had mentioned in a previous entry. I'm going to stop running to her rescue. It is getting ridiculous. That's all I'm going to say.
I stayed up until the crack of dawn. It's not that I wanted to, but it's the only way that I could be sure that I would be up and out of the house on time. You see, I am a very heavy sleeper. I have been known to break a couple of alarm clocks in my day. Here's what happens: Say I have to get up and out the house by 8:00am. I set the alarm at bed time.I sleep tight, when the alarm goes off at 5:00am I don't hear it because when I am asleep I'm damn near dead, it continues to sound off until it dies.
I wake up 2 to 3 hours later. Oh no! Not again, I've overslept! When I wake up, it's time for me to walk out the door. Over the years I've gotten a little better (thanks to having the ability to alter my work schedule). But last night it started getting late and I wasn't in the bed. I had stuff to do, you know some stuff I procrastinated on during the day. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I got the bright idea to stay up and not go to sleep. That way I could be up and out the house on time. It worked. I got to work on time. Only thing is, I am beat like a mutha. My eyes feel like two burnt holes in a carpet and I have to re-type every other sentence in this blog because my brain ain't so sharp when I don't get my required sleep. To top everything off, I am evil as hell today.
Why is it when you don't want to be bothered at work or you feel like crap, co-workers want to get all up in your face? "How was your weekend", "What did you do", BLah...BLAH...blah...SHUT UP!!!
Anyway, we have this conference room that we hardly ever use, I'm going to go to lunch but instead of lunching I'll be napping. Adios for now! ZZZZzzzzz
Well this weekend was pretty much a bust. During the summer months, I have Friday's off. This past Friday was spent sleeping. I didn't get up until the early afternoon. I had stayed up the night before. The phone woke me up. It was my sister asking me for a computer printout. I was disgusted. This is the sister that I grew up with. I love my sister, but sometimes I want to punch her lights out. She has three kids and is totally dependent on other people. She relies on everyone else for everything and it irks me that at 30 + she's not more responsible. I keep telling her, no one owes her anything and that she needs to step up to the plate and take care of herself and her children. That goes in one ear and out the other.
Yesterday for instance, I spent all day trying to get her daughter's hair twisted. Mind you I picked them up, took them to the salon, paid for it out of my pocket and even bought them breakfast. The whole time she is complaining. Telling me how it is taking too long and how she wants to leave and how all of this is a waste of time. Excuse me, but your daugther's head looks like chickens have been playing in it and what else is there for you to do? NOTHING! You are not doing anything at all but sitting on your FAT ASS. You are not using your car, your gas or your money! GRRRrrr. This sister irks the hell out of me. But for some reason, I feel a sense of responsibility to make sure that her kids don't suffer. They are family and it is not their fault that their mother is irresponsible.
Ok, so last year, I decided that I was going to write a book. I started writing it about 6 months ago. It will be closely based on my own personal experiences. I know that everyone has a story to tell. Some people don't want to tell their story; others want to scream it from the mountain top. I am somewhere in the middle. I feel that it necessary to tell mines.
Ok so today was boring. I guess I will relate a recent experience.This is kinda long, entertaining...but 100% true:
I was so happy; my sisters were coming to visit a few months ago. I know you are probably thinking yeah ok that's special. LOL But it is special! Because a little over two year ago, I hadn't seen my sisters in over 28 years! Yes that is we had endured a 28 year separation. I hadn't seen my sisters since I was about 3 or 4 years old. It's really a bitter sweet story. Amazing, heartbreaking and basically freaking unbelievable. But it all comes to a happy ending or umm maybe I should say a happy beginning.
I'll try to make this brief. So where shall I begin? Oooh ok, so, about 33 years ago, my mother conceived me, one year after that, she conceived another child (another baby girl). Mom grew wary of raising two small girls on her own and married another guy. Soon after, she conceived her third daughter. Barely any time passed before mom was pregnant again, at this time a fourth daughter was conceived. When both my younger sisters were under 3 years of age, the lunatic husband proceeded to abduct the two youngest children. And so the story continues...
Growing up was awful, knowing that my sisters were somewhere out there. Not knowing what was going on and being afraid that the same thing would happen to me one day. Mom and the rest of the family searched high and low for them for many years. I looked on the back of milk cartons hoping I would find some clues. I trusted no one. Throughout the years, my remaining sister and I lead very sheltered lives. My mother told us that maybe they were better off in their new lives. I guess she was just trying to cope and move on. My mom became very despondent and I don't think overall she's ever regained her spirit from the ordeal. I hated her for telling us to move on. So at the age of 10, I agreed to put my search to rest. I wouldn't mention another word out loud about it until I was old enough to do my own thing. At that point, I would continue my search. At least at 21 I would be grown and no one could tell me what I could and could not do.
So at 21 years old, my search continued. It took me 12 years to finally find what I was looking for. On January 10, 2003, I found my sisters!!! I found one of them online with a stroke of luck and years of hard work. They had been living 7 hours away in another state. I found out that I had four more nieces and nephews. I'm an aunt to a total of seven children now! We had a family reunion soon after the discovery and everyone was together again after a 28 year separation. It was a bittersweet reunion. We cried, we laughed and we hugged. We are so similar, it was amazing.
Since then, we've visited each other at least 15 times. It is almost like we were never separated. I'm so happy. It is special!
I need to make a correction to my previous post. I did a little more research and the riots started after the beating of black cab driver named John Smith. John Smith and Leroy Jones aka Baraka are two different people. Baraka was arrested at some time during the riots.
Today is the anniversary of the Newark Riots (7-13-67). Here's an interesting article from the local newspaper:
A Newark man was convicted yesterday of murdering a daughter of poet Amiri Baraka and her friend in what the prosecutor called a plot to emotionally destroy the man's estranged wife, another of Baraka's daughters. (Full article found here @http://www.nj.com)
Baraka, ironically, he got his name in the press some 38 years ago TODAY when he was arrested. He was known as Leroy Jones then and the cops gave him a beating which among other reasons provoked the Newark Riot.
For more info about the 1967 riots go to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1967_Newark_riots
Well, I really like to travel. And I've been doing a lot of it lately. I just got back from Orlando with my son. We had a blast. We visited all of the attractions and did some site seeing. It was good to get away and spend some quality time with my kid without all of the every day distractions.
But, when we got back home it really started to sink in again. The thoughts of despair are a bit too much. Let me explain. It's not that my life is totally messed up. I have a good job, a car, a fairly decent apartment, friends; you know all the basics. Things aren't completely shabby. You see I'm divorced. I got married at the a very young age and felt that I missed out on a lot. It has been over 5 years since the divorce. At first, I was like YES!!! I'm rid of the slug. I can accomplish the things I need to accomplish. I set high standards and personal goals. I started school (I'll be finished in 6 months) and I've advanced in my career. My son wants for nothing. Everything seems cool on the outside.
Ok, here's the despairing part: I am in my early 30's and single. I've been single since the divorce, Single as in "no serious relationship" and single as in "no interest in a serious relationship". Five years is a long time! Having no boyfriend or significant other did not bother me at all up until recently. I had been focusing on other things such as my son, school and work. But now, I swear to you every time I watch TV or listen to the radio, it's about somebody or something in a relationship. Five years ago, I wanted out of the relationship because I thought I was missing out on LIFE, now that I've gotten what I wanted, I feel like I am missing out on LIFE. LOL it's really kind of comical when you think about it.
What worries me more is the fact that now that I want to be in a relationship, there is no one around. I mean there is not even one single person that would interest me in the least. There are no options. NONE! I am starting to think something is wrong with me. I used to pride myself on being and independent woman. "Who needs a man", I would say. I would laugh at women hanging on to a man just for the sake of having one. I would see them as desperate stupid bitches. LOL. Now who's alone?
Anyway, these are my thoughts for the moment. I'll keep you posted.
Hello world again. Just to let you know this is my second attempt at keeping a blog. I deleted all of the entries from my first one and started anew. One of the reasons for this is because the previous blog was a bit incriminating. I need to protect my identity if I plan on spilling my guts about everything in my life. Although, Google keeps a cache of the original I feel more comfortable expressing myself semi anonymously. My other blog was pretty interesting. I will be incorporating many of my past experiences into this blog as well. Anyway, that's my intro...you'll be hearing more from me soon!
Who Links Here