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I was always different. As far back as I can remember, I knew I was different, I just couldn't put my finger on it. People would make strange comments and my mother would chuckle them off. My sister and I look nothing alike. We don't even look like third cousins let alone sisters. She would dress us alike and as hard as she tried to make us look alike, it just didn't work. The weird comments just kept coming. People would speak foreign languages. I would just give them a blank look. They would often ask me, "What is your nationality?" "Are you mixed?" My own sister would tell me, "Mom found you in the neighbor's oven, that's why you don't look like us." And other kids can be so cruel. "BlackJap!", "Pie Face Negro", "Eskimo", "Black Chinky" "NiggaRican, So, finally when I was around 10 years old, I asked my mother about my father. She told me she'd tell me about him later. 34 years later and she still hasn't told me.

I used to get mad about it. After all, why withhold information when I am entitled to it. I still get a little upset about it to this day. But, what can I do. And besides, it really doesn't matter now...not really. If nothing else, it has taught me that race should never matter and that your past and background should never dictate the person that you choose to be now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Regarding "My New Blender", I've always had vivid dreams...I fell asleep before I even made it to the kitchen...

My New Blender

It was Thursday night and my weekend had officially started. My son was not home, he was with his dad all week as we split custody 50/50. This has worked well for all of us especially with me in school and all. I had no plans for the weekend. I had pretty much relaxed all week since coming back from my trip. I felt a little anxious, like I needed to get into something. It had been nearly two week since I last saw Laundry Dude. We hung out a couple of times. First to the movies and dinner, another time we met for brunch. The third time, we met up for lunch and then our last outing, we met up in the park and just took a long walk and talked. I hadn't spoken to him since then with me being out of town and all. He had asked me to call him when I got back, but I hadn't. I was too busy trying to get back into the swing of things.

Anyway, it was almost 11pm, I had to think of something to do and quick. It was getting late. I sat down on the sofa and begin to channel surf. This was crazy, with over 400 channels, there was nothing interesting on TV. I turned to HBO and started watching some movie starring Russell Crowe. I felt a little uptight, I needed to relax. So I headed to the kitchen. I pulled out my new blender. I had been dying to use it since I bought it. I decided to make a frozen drink complete with lots of rum. I added all of the ingredients and blended away. I found a straw and poured some of the frozen treat into one of my pretty pink glasses. I sipped it. Yummy, it was perfect! I sipped some more. MMMM. Uh oh. I was getting a little warm, so I removed my shirt. I sipped a little more. Damn, I wasn't warm, I felt downright hot. I removed my pants. Ah...that felt better. I love walking around the house in my bra and panties when I'm home alone. A couple more sips and I came to the realization that I was totally buzzed. Damn, maybe I added just a little bit too much rum. A few more sips and I decided that this drink was too good for me to drink it all by myself. I picked up the phone and started to dial Laundry Dude's digits.

"Hello, what's up?", I said.

"Not much , is everything ok?", he asked.

"Yes, everything is ok, why", I giggled.

"You sound different, you sure you're ok"?

"Yes, I am fine", I said trying to sound normal.

"Hey, what are you doing? Are you busy?", I inquired.

"No, actually, I was kinda bored, why what's up?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to come over and help me drink some cocktails maybe even watch a movie."

Before I could completely finish the sentence, he said, "Sure, let me clean up a little and I'll be over in a few."

We hung up. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I couldn't believe it, after 8+ plus months of celibacy, I was inviting some dude over for drinks and I wasn't even thinking about the drinks, I was thinking about other things. Oh hell, why was I trying to analyze it. I had my mind made up, bump celibacy, I have my needs.

I decided to hop in the shower. After the shower, I got out my best smelling lotion and started to smooth it all over my body. I wanted to feel soft and really smell good. Still totally naked, I stood in front of the the full-length mirror. I turned and glanced at myself from the side. I smiled, damn, I had to admit, I still had it going on. After I finished admiring myself, I threw on a cute little number and checked my condom supply. The doorbell rang. Geez, that was quick! I buzzed him in.

When I opened the door, there he was, SEXY as hell and smiling from ear to ear. He stepped in and spread his arms for a quick hug. As we embraced, he started to pull away but, I wouldn't allow him. I held him closely. He glanced down at me puzzled. I smiled at him and as he parted those beautiful lips to speak, before any words were uttered, I planted my perfectly heart shaped lips directly on his. Standing there, so close, I could feel his heart beating. After what seemed like 20 minutes, I decided we needed to come up for air. Once again he started to speak, but I placed a single finger on his lips and whispered, "shhhh...." He obeyed. I gently grabbed his hand and motioned him to follow me. With my eyes, I asked him to have a seat on the sofa. Never taking my eyes off of him, I placed one of my knees to the left of him and the other to the right of him. I was facing him and completely straddling his lap.

His puzzled expression changed to ecstasy. He was in a trance and under my spell. We kissed some more. His lips were just so kissable. I gently placed his right hand on my left back side. I wanted him to know that I didn't have on any panties. *smile* Some how his left hand found other places on my body that hadn't been touched in a long time. I was ready...my body was ready. My body ached all over...

...oooh Mmmmm Oooooouch! That was rough. It hurt. My body was sore. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was on the floor. Where was Laundry Dude? Why was I on my living room floor? I glanced over at the clock on the wall. It was 8:45am. Was it a dream or reality?

She's Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I'm back. I had a blast in Florida. I had so much fun I even extended my stay by one day! Looking cute in my new bathing suit with freshly painted toes, drinking cocktails by the pool, walking around hot ass Universal Studies, going on the casino cruise and losing all my damn money, sightseeing, laughing at the country folk (no offense, hell they were probably laughing at us city folk), eating and then eating some more (I must have gained 10 lbs), smoking expensive chocolate cigars, viewing the beautiful bodies on the beach. What more can a girl ask for? Then my flight landed at Newark International Airport and all the fun ended. Back to school and back to work. Grrr...but it was fun while it lasted.

Relieved

Well they left at 7:20 am today. My eyes were all red and swollen from crying. I went to work despite the fact and felt much better later on in the day. I bought my niece a cell phone earlier in the year and it really came in handy. She called me this evening and she sounded very happy. What a relief! Not in a million years would I think I'd feel so miserable about them moving. I am going to go visit them in November. Anyway, no time to be sad about it, I'm off to enjoy some relaxation in Daytona Beach/Orlando. My flight leaves at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Goodness I need this break! Have a good weekend everyone.

Everything is Everything

I've been a little bummed lately so I've been following the advice of my beloved maternal grandmother: If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say nothing at all. My sister who I grew up with - you know the one that never grew up? Well anyway, she's moving out of state. I'm happy for her. The thing is she is a little irresponsible and I worry about her children. And not for nothing, I have grown so attached to them; in fact, my oldest niece is like my daughter. I've been a surrogate mother to her and have taken care of her for most of her 12 years. She's staying with me for the summer - well at least until next week, when they pack up and leave. It's going to seem very strange without her around. I feel like I'm losing my own child. It's not just my worry, but my mother is driving me friggin nuts. Her worries on top of mines got a sister all messed up. So, I've been spending as much time with my nieces and nephews as I can. I guess I'll be the only one left here in Jersey to listen to my mother bitch and moan. Oh well, maybe I'll move out of state - change my blog to FL Diva Girl, naw...maybe PA Diva Girl, GA Diva Girl -NOPE and NOPE! Hmmm how about MO Diva Girl. It's all dumb; I am and always will be a true to life Jersey Chick. Na'mean? What? Word up? Whaaaaateeeeeever! LOL

But on a serious note, you know how when you feel crabapplish, and no - not PMS crabapplish, but just grumpy, irritable, cranky and just plain ole bitchy? You know how sometimes the right music can make you feel much better. My Lauryn Hill CD -The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill does that for me. That CD is pure genius. I know it's been picked apart and talked about extensively before, but damn, this is my all-time favorite CD. I've never gotten sick of it. Lost One, where she talks about how karma is a bitch, I Used To Love him - Oh the heartbreak ~*~*~ I chose a road of passion and pain ~*~*~ Sacrificed too much and waited in vain~*~*~ Gave up my power ceased being queen~*~*~ Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend~*~*~ I'm telling you this CD is a classic and covers just about every range of emotion there is to experience. Me and my girls made up this corny little thing where we ask each other from time to time, "What is your Lauryn mood"? And the response could be, "I'm feeling, 'Nothing Even Matters' today (self explanatory)." Or, 'Damn 'Every Ghetto, Every City' (meaning, same crap, different day)". For the past couple of days, my Lauryn mood has been:

Everything Is Everything

Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually

I wrote these words for everyone
Who struggles in their youth
Who won't accept deception
Instead of what is truth
It seems we lose the game,
Before we even start to play
Who made these rules? We're so confused
Easily led astray
Let me tell ya that
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
Everything is everything

I philosophy
Possibly speak tongues
Beat drum, Abyssinian, street Baptist
Rap this in fine linen
From the beginning
My practice extending across the atlas
I begat this
Flippin' in the ghetto on a dirty mattress
You can't match this rapper / actress
More powerful than two Cleopatras
Bomb graffiti on the tomb of Nefertiti
MCs ain't ready to take it to the Serengeti
My rhymes is heavy like the mind of Sister Betty
L. Boogie spars with stars and constellations
Then came down for a little conversation
Adjacent to the king, fear no human being
Roll with cherubims to Nassau Coliseum
Now hear this mixture
Where hip hop meets scripture
Develop a negative into a positive picture

Now, everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually

Sometimes it seems
We'll touch that dream
But things come slow or not at all
And the ones on top, won't make it stop
So convinced that they might fall
Let's love ourselves then we can't fail
To make a better situation
Tomorrow, our seeds will grow
All we need is dedication

Let me tell ya that,
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
Everything is everything

Everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually

The Condom

I found an empty condom wrapper in the trash. Not that I go rummaging through trash, but I lost an earring and thought that maybe somehow it would be in there. So there I was poking around the trash hoping to find it. That's when I saw it. It wasn't mines. Oh no! Maybe someone had broken into my apartment while I wasn't there and did the nasty. It damn sure wasn't me! Damn, maybe that dream I had the other night wasn't a dream after all. Hehehe. No it couldn't be, none of this made sense. I was puzzled, perplexed, baffled...bewildered! Why was this empty Durex wrapper in the trash? Only one other person could have put it there and he's only 13 years old. Nooooo! Never in a million years could I ever imagine my nerdy-bookworm-computer-wiz-mini-me-thirteen year old even kissing a girl let alone using a condom. My heart raced. Where had I gone wrong? We have pretty good communication. I'm a cool mom but yet at the same time, there are rules. We talk all the time; we talk about everything - sex, condoms, masturbation, menstruation and even homosexuality - the whole nine yards! This kid tells me everything; there is nothing I thought we couldn't discuss. I would play it cool, there was no need to panic. Everything's cool. I'll just wait until he gets home and calmly ask him about it. Those two hours seemed like two decades.

He walks in the door. "What's up mom? How was your day?" "Fine, look, I need to ask you something." Looking at me innocently, "Yes?" Me holding up the wrapper, "I found this in the trash." Mouth wide open with simple minded stare, "Ummm yeah, that's a condom paper." I thought, no shit Sherlock! "I know that, but I am wondering why it is in the trash." "Oh they gave it to us at camp yesterday". Trying to suppress my gasp, "At camp?" "Yes, at the museum, Planned Parenthood was there, they were on a table. When I got home, I opened it up and filled it with water ." Still a bit puzzled, I say, "Ooooh ok, so where is this water filled condom now?" "One sec", he slips out of the bathroom and then reappears. "Right here, see." There it was filled with water. Whew! What a relief, all I could do was smile and give him a great big hug.


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The Condom

Dred Head the Fool...

Well, I finished that 20 page paper. I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I am a straight A (3.95) student. I take my school work very very serious. This is my second time around. I have a BA in Communication Sciences and this time I will be receiving a BS in Information Technology. I love school and have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. When I finish this degree, I am going for an MS in Information Systems or something like that.

Anyway getting back to Dred Head ringing my bell at the wee hours of Saturday morning, you know when he said, "Let me in". I lit his ass up over the phone. I told him that he must have lost his damn mind! He knows I don't play that. He knew better than to just show up unannounced. He was very nonchalant about it, saying, "Look baby I'm sorry, but, I did tell you that I was going to stop by, remember last night, on the phone. I asked you about Saturday, remember"? I said, "Yeah but you still should have called. And when you said today, I assumed you didn't mean this early in the morning". So he says, "I feel stupid standing out here, can you just let me in so we can talk about it." I tip-toed over to the window and lifted my index finger gently through the blinds. It was just enough so that I could peep at him without getting caught. I smiled when I saw him. Damn he was looking good too. I bet he smelled good too. That is one fione chocolate piece of cake. Mmm mmm. But good looking or not he was wrong. 10am without warning on a Saturday morning is too early for me. And I wasn't having it. I told him to come back later. He then says, "Ok, I see how you doing me. You probably got some other dude up in there". WHAT!? I was about to black out. How dare him! Then I thought to myself. I said, Self, this man is just trying to play on your sympathy, don't cave in." I didn't give in either. I just told him point blank, "It's not that serious, don't go away mad just go away. We will see each other later."

He got the message. That was that. I was all riled up at this point. So I showered and got dressed. I wasn't even hungry so I didn't eat. I watched a little TV. Then I picked up the phone to see if I had any missed calls. Nope - no one! 12 Noon rolls around, no call still. 1pm...hmmm maybe my phone is unplugged or the ringer is off by mistake. LOL Nope none of that. Oh well, I guess I blew it. Once again, I came on too strong, maybe. Hell, I am just stubborn like that, people need to respect my divaism. It is now 2pm, damn, maybe I shouldn't have cancelled with Laundry Dude, at least I wouldn't be sitting on the couch all alone watching Comcast On-demand. Most likely I'd be out watching a flick or eating some really tasty ethnic food on some New York sidewalk. At 2:30pm sharp, my phone rings, it's Dred Head. The first thing out of his mouth is, "Have you come to your senses?" Before I could say anything, he adds, "Why do you treat me like a stranger"? I said, "Because you are acting like a stranger". Before he could say another word, I said, "Look, I'm starving, can we talk about this over lunch"? To be continued...

The Weekend

I have a 20 page paper due by the end of the day! I have only completed about half of it. I was thinking about taking the day off from work just to get the paper completed. Usually I am so focused when it comes to my school work. But, this weekend was hectic. First, I have to say, I chickened out and cancelled on Laundry Dude. I don't know I just went with my first instincts and decided to not go. I called him and told him something else came up and that I wanted to take a rain check. He sounded a little disappointed but otherwise he said he understood. Now I am no big huge fan of horoscopes...but mines said:

8/3 - Relationships, like cars, need regular and careful maintenance. Get a tune-up!
8/6 - Make beautiful music together even if you're out of practice. Tune up.
8/7 - You must be present to win. So if it's important to you, make sure you show up.

LOL! This is just screaming tune-up...anyway. I didn't show up so I guess I didn't win. There's still time, maybe...I hope anyways.

Well Friday, I was supposed to hang out with the girls. Only thing is...only one of the girls showed up. Which was cool, this was one of my favorite girls. She and I met up at this little jazz restaurant that we love so much. We were supposed to be just meeting for drinks and chit chat, but when I got there I realized that I hadn't eaten all day so I was starving. I ended up eating a yummy New Orleans style meal. YUMMY! We sat there and talked and drank and before we knew it, it was a little after eleven. New Orleans's style Hurricanes are no joke. Since neither one of us could drive at this point, we decided to sober up by hitting a comedy club which was conveniently located right across the street. What a blast!

On the drive home, my cell phone rings. It is damn near 3am. Who could it be? Well my cell didn't actually ring a normal ring; I have different ringers for different people. It rang to the tune of Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor". Damn I knew exactly who it was...Dred Head. See if it would have been anyone else calling me at that time of night/morning I would have been pissed. But Dred knows that I am a night owl and he knows that's really the best time to catch me wide awake. So he calls and asks me if we can hang out on Saturday in addition to Sunday. And I say ok.

Saturday morning: Bell rings at 10 am. Now I don't answer the door for people who just decided to show up. So I ignore it. Then the phone rings. It's Dred...saying, "let me in". WTF? I had to put him in his place. NEGRO PLEASE! You just don't show up unannounced. What a fool!!! To be continued...

Laundry Dude

"Laundry Dude" and I have been doing a lot of chatting lately. So earlier in the week, he calls and asks, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" So out of habit, I say, "Nothing really". Then I remember that I am supposed to hang out with some of my girlfriends on Friday night. So then I tell him about Friday. There's a pause. So I'm like, "Hello?" So he says, "Yes, I'm here". Then silence again. Then he clears his throat and asks, "Well, if you're not busy, do you think you might what to hang out in The City on Saturday, maybe grab a bite to eat...maybe a flick? That is...if you are not too busy?" I immediately froze with hesitation. There was silence.

I hadn't seen him since that day at the laundromat. Crazy thoughts begin to race through my mind. Suppose those pearly whites were really a good set of false teeth? I envisioned us sitting in a restaurant, him adjusting the teeth so that he could chew his steak properly. Suppose he had a wife stashed away somewhere. Perhaps she might be hiding in the bushes somewhere just waiting to bust my car windows out. Suppose he was a rapist, an ex-con or worst an ax murderer? I chuckled nervously in an attempt to void the silence. Just then, I heard a beep. It was someone calling on the other line. I told him to hold on. I hit the flash button. Whew, saved by the beep!

It was "Dred Head". I used to love me some Dred Head until he became too clingy. In all honesty, I do miss him. But mostly, I made myself unavailable to him. I always check my caller ID. So whenever I saw it was him, I just wouldn't answer. It's not that I didn't like him, I really did, but he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship and I just wasn't ready for all of that. Anyway, so he's on the other line and he asks me if I'm busy. So I told him yes, but make it quick. So he asks damn near the same thing Laundry Dude asks. And I say, "Ok sure, how about Sunday?" Sounding all giddy he says, "Ok, that's what's up." So I tell him I'll call him back to confirm up everything. We say our goodbyes and I proceed to click over to Laundry Dude. He was waiting there patiently for my answer. I told him I'd get back to him and let him know towards the end of the week. He seemed cool with that.

Since we know some of the same people, immediately after hanging up with him, I started my detective work. I made a few calls and fortunately he got glowing reviews. I was able to confirm his divorced and that he is not a rapist or an ax murder. LOL I called him back today to confirm for Saturday. So, the line up for the weekend: Hang out with the girls on Friday, Laundry Dude on Saturday and Dred Head on Sunday. To be continued...

The Box

I finally got a chance to clean out the monster closet I had been trying to clean out for longer than I care to share. WHEW! It feels good to finally have that sucker cleared out. Before I could even get started good, I noticed a box way in the back of the closet. I pulled it out. Inside the box I found a bib, a small blankie, some little baby clothes, a pair of tiny shoes, a blue and white pacifier and even a pair of denim maternity pants. There were pictures from my wedding and of a friend who had passed away. There was a zipped lock bag containing a stack of newspaper clippings from some of my theatre performances. Also inside the box was an entire Star-Ledger newspaper dated January 12, 1991. The front page in very bold letters read: OPERATION DESERT STORM! Under the newspaper was a bag containing over a hundred love letters addressed to yours truly. I placed everything back inside the box and set it to the side. Why had I kept these things? I continued to clear out the closet. I threw out some old clothes along with an old broken Singer sewing machine. When everything was to my liking I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally! The monster closet was in order! When I turned around, I saw "the box". I gently picked it up and placed it in its proper place, right in the back of the closet where it would remain until my next closet cleaning adventure.